Surrender

I sought Him, in long nights and through my days
In slow deliberate study and in prayer,
I sought Him, through the painful endless ways
Of my own raging mind,
And in the private space of fears,
Despite my poor unworthiness, I strove
My weakness to return
To He who all things knows.
In infant hope I pled
My sins he’d take away
The weight of my great load
Of human wreckage, to uphold.
And only when my voice had ceased to cry
Could I hear His — sweet stillness mild —
“My grace I give to those who ask
But thou, O daughter,
Gave no space in asking for reply” —
And I bowed down my weary head
In stillness and in silence
For to listen to His tread,
The molding of my will to His,
That taught my contrite heart to turn
And heal the sundered past
And then my load was gone at last.

The days moved on, I soon forgot
That voice which held all still
A wall ‘gainst mortal hubris which
Had foamed around me as the tide
Of weakness and of fear and pain
And all in asking came to Him again.
My pleadings were as anguished as poor Job’s,
Yet nothing was my answer then
As many times as learning, skill, and strength
Would bring me closer to the truth, I’d think,
Still farther from me was the one I sought,
As I forgot to silence all my thought —
In wisdom wide, in knowledge great,
I strove for answers to my questions sate,
And yet no answer came until
My pride was humbled down into the dust
Of which each man was made,
To which each man returns.
As ashed ambition, burning no more bright,
Was brought to nothing in a single night
When darkness deep showed all futility
That was not His, was of no worth to me.
In silence and with greater weight
Of ego like a pall
Still pressing on me, yet I let Him in
To see my poor reduced estate,
And then His voice, yet tender and yet mild,
At last returned — and said, “My sorrowing child,
I never thee forsook, nor will I yet forsake,
For as thy soul is precious to me will I take
Each pride and pain of thine upon me now,
As ever I have done for those who ask,
My grace is with thee in all things you lack.”

Soon time fled on again apace,
And all my memories erased
Of grace so given all despite my worth,
Of knowledge found and peace and mirth —
And once again I failed and fell anew,
In deep frustration cursed my mortal state
That caused such guilt in action wrong
Which I should yet control,
Control could not, but sought out sins anew
That I had banished, which yet laid in wait,
To taunt me in my weakened state —
I wept to think the wrongs I’d done
Were visited on Him whose love I sought,
And sorrowed for the sins I wrought
As prison bars, a cage that closed
With each successive day more strong —
I fell — I fell — so long
Into the darkness of my mind
Traversed with blinded clarity
My heart, its brokenness made plain.
I prayed again
Fell down upon my knees prostrate
And laid before Him all my fallen state
His voice came clear — “Your sin I see,
But even that is naught to Me.
The price was paid, your pain is mine
I bore it long ago, and time
Will turn once more your scarlet into white
Flee not from me, turn not aside
From that which I have asked of Thee,
Be faithful, I will always faithful be.”
To those who trust, who ever trust in Me.”